Hurting

I imagine it’s obvious that things haven’t been going well for me. I well know that I dislike people asking how I am and that I feel that my answers are lies. That I keep to myself more and catch myself frowning.

The situation became (and still grows) worse with the stepchildren. For no apparent reason other than that their mother is a witch who doesn’t want them to have a relationship with their dad. The visits were ridiculously few and short last year and she’s stopped them altogether this year. Yeah, the parents went through mediative services for a long 10 months and with no result. The mother refused to participate and that’s that.

Instead she brainwashes the children that the dad is angry and a terrible parent. They make up examples or use arguments that amount to naught. All that it really shows is that they are filled with hate and that they don’t like different parenting styles. Except that she has the kids, that even though she’s breaking the law, she can get away with it and he has to take her to court in order to make changes. A totally suckful situation.

It’s messy, there’s no contact whatsoever, no phone calls, no known address and no fucking idea what to do now. Why do I care? Well, they were a big part of my life and we were close. I know that, no matter what they have been told since. Also, I’m concerned about them as this will no doubt mess them up. They have been turned into little hate machines and don’t know the truth. And these children (who are beautiful in spirit) now think I’m some sort of monster.

I’m having a hard time adjusting to this change. I thought that a parenting plan would be made and that the mediators would convince her to agree to the minimum requirements. Nope. She won’t go down legal channels as courts would laugh at her complaints. Instead she’s alienated the children from their dad. Bitch.

If she believes all her claims then she’s mentally sick. If she thinks turning the kids from their dad is good parenting, then she’s a fool. I have to get this out somewhere which is why I’m writing now without censoring much. Family and close friends know what is going on. After a year and a half of this drama and the preceding years where she was difficult and kept making changes that led to this mess…. well, I’ve changed. I am unlikely to wish harm upon a person. Until now. I want her to suffer. For karma to turn around and bite her where it hurts. I’d like to detach more and not be actively wishing for her to come to harm but I’m not there yet. I’ve never met someone I like less, who goes out of their way to be foul and be malicious to others. I don’t react well to it.

I had surgery at the end of last year to correct my fertility. It went really well… however, I used up all my savings. I’m living week to week again and every week seems to bring new bills. Leftover surgery bills out of nowhere, my car needs a service, the quarterly electricity bill just arrived, after 5 months I deserve to pay for a haircut…. I know that I’ll eventually be able to save a small amount each week… just not this week. Or for this month. It’s a bit depressing to be so reliant on working. Last week I started writing a story. I have an idea that I could spend my evenings writing… a novel?… so that I have a product to sell…. it’ll take time but if I enjoy it, it will be worth it. It’s an idea. I can’t afford to study at the moment.

Am I trying to get pregnant? Not yet. I want to be a mother, time is running out, I have no money and I’m feeling low and have ‘lost’ stepchildren. I’m organising some more therapy to help me deal with this funk but even that is pricey. Even with medicare rebates, I’ll have to pay. I’m counting every dollar at the moment.

Last year was one of the worst years of my life, this year has had a harder start. I did great in business in February but am finding it hard to get motivated only a few weeks later. I overdid it, burnt out by working 6-7 days a week. And I’m not sure where to put my focus now. We’re going camping over Easter. That will be a welcome getaway.

I feel like I’ve aged a dozen years. That I’m starting from scratch again but have loftier dreams. I want to buy a home. Create a family. Have holidays. Be happy.

I loved those kids. Still do. It hurts. It really really hurts.

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About

Of the female variety and hungry for knowledge, truth and love.

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Posted in Blog, Health, Inner World, Life, love, Outer World, Personal Growth, Winds of Change
2 comments on “Hurting
  1. mystic29 says:

    Welcome to my world..I wont go to details but I tried for over a decade to get time with my kids..theyre all grown up now but with a chip on their shoulder that will take them decades to be rid of, if ever.. When a parent does this crap there really is no way out.. yes, you can take them to court..eventually, but every order will be ignored then it’s back to court..you loose!
    As for a ‘right’ time to try for a baby..theres never one of those either.. there will always be something holding you back.. Having known you for a long time now I know you have much to give and frankly I think you should just do it..NOW, and let the details work themselves out..

  2. Spiral says:

    Thanks for the comment, mystic29. We’re investigating options for baby making and things are a bit better for me. I’m finding a bit of life purpose mojo and getting back on track 🙂

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