For much of 2013 I felt very anxious and stressed. Unprepared I was for the demands of working two and a half self-employed ventures, the joint running of a household, being a step-mother, caring for two elderly dogs, time for relationship, hobbies, friends and time for myself. I told myself over and over that I wasn’t coping, that I couldn’t cope. And then the house would be clean for a few hours or a good laugh with friends and I’d feel okay.

In 2014 I cut back on work and took steps to manage my anxiety. I had acupuncture and reduced my workload, deciding that time was more important than income. Not ideal but I started to reduce my tension, had a few medical tests and felt that I was actually managing. I explored yoga, ukulele club, dance classes and had regular massages. All restorative. In October I took up meditation and turned it into an almost daily practice. Meditation really takes the edge off.

Since July last year a drama has been building. A few small exploratory pops were first seen in that July. Tensions in August. An unexpected eruption and explosion in September. Some fires that stayed alight since. A series of constant explosions throughout January. Catastrophe throughout February.

I am indirectly involved with this drama but it affects me mightily. I experience powerlessness. Breathlessness. Shivering. Palpitations. Loss of appetite. Anger. Hurt. Doubt and confusion. Sadness. Worry. When a new problem comes to the surface, work is a struggle. I have trouble sleeping. I have occasional nightmares about the situation. My menstrual cycle has become irregular. I am seeking professional counselling type services. I wonder if my boundaries are in the right place. My partner, family and friends are all incredibly supportive. And incredibly outraged at the injustice of the situation. I can’t write about the matter because of legalities and because my blog, though anonymous, has far too much information about me.

I try not to make too many changes in work at the moment. I just keep on keeping on. A good night’s sleep always comes and then I can smile for a moment. I pray and pray for the best possible outcome for all concerned. I meditate every day or two and experience moments of peace. All of the actions and practical steps to resolve this drama are being done. I just need to summon up some patience.

I have taken on one project. I’m getting rid of all the junk in our house. Clearing out the garage, decluttering and organising the inside. It’s a big job with many hours here and there still remaining. I feel excited every time a box of stuff or bag of clothes disappears. I’ve bought new cheap self-assembling practical furniture and I am intent to have a clean, tidy, organised home. Clutter be gone!

As the home opens up, I imagine room for new exciting experiences. For love, peace and ease to flow into my home, into my life. For drama to flow out. Like waves, like breath.


Of the female variety and hungry for knowledge, truth and love.

Posted in Inner World, Life, Me Me Me!, My Family
One comment on “Autumnal
  1. Kymbo says:

    It’s regretful that your life seems filled with problems but as always youre working your way through it in your own determined way. I hope these things get resolved as quickly as possible for your sake and life settles (though we know that never really happens) One problem goes away and another pops up. . .

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