For much of 2013 I felt very anxious and stressed. Unprepared I was for the demands of working two and a half self-employed ventures, the joint running of a household, being a step-mother, caring for two elderly dogs, time for relationship, hobbies, friends and time for myself. I told myself over and over that I wasn’t coping, that I couldn’t cope. And then the house would be clean for a few hours or a good laugh with friends and I’d feel okay.
In 2014 I cut back on work and took steps to manage my anxiety. I had acupuncture and reduced my workload, deciding that time was more important than income. Not ideal but I started to reduce my tension, had a few medical tests and felt that I was actually managing. I explored yoga, ukulele club, dance classes and had regular massages. All restorative. In October I took up meditation and turned it into an almost daily practice. Meditation really takes the edge off.
Since July last year a drama has been building. A few small exploratory pops were first seen in that July. Tensions in August. An unexpected eruption and explosion in September. Some fires that stayed alight since. A series of constant explosions throughout January. Catastrophe throughout February.
I am indirectly involved with this drama but it affects me mightily. I experience powerlessness. Breathlessness. Shivering. Palpitations. Loss of appetite. Anger. Hurt. Doubt and confusion. Sadness. Worry. When a new problem comes to the surface, work is a struggle. I have trouble sleeping. I have occasional nightmares about the situation. My menstrual cycle has become irregular. I am seeking professional counselling type services. I wonder if my boundaries are in the right place. My partner, family and friends are all incredibly supportive. And incredibly outraged at the injustice of the situation. I can’t write about the matter because of legalities and because my blog, though anonymous, has far too much information about me.
I try not to make too many changes in work at the moment. I just keep on keeping on. A good night’s sleep always comes and then I can smile for a moment. I pray and pray for the best possible outcome for all concerned. I meditate every day or two and experience moments of peace. All of the actions and practical steps to resolve this drama are being done. I just need to summon up some patience.
I have taken on one project. I’m getting rid of all the junk in our house. Clearing out the garage, decluttering and organising the inside. It’s a big job with many hours here and there still remaining. I feel excited every time a box of stuff or bag of clothes disappears. I’ve bought new cheap self-assembling practical furniture and I am intent to have a clean, tidy, organised home. Clutter be gone!
As the home opens up, I imagine room for new exciting experiences. For love, peace and ease to flow into my home, into my life. For drama to flow out. Like waves, like breath.