Sometimes I feel like I have a bad case of the pretendies.
Not heard the phrase before? I once heard Paul Kelly say that he felt that way before gigs – he wasn’t a real performer, he was a fraud, he was just an ordinary man. And how could he possibly go on stage in front of people?
Well, I feel that way about my work most of the time. And about many other things I do. When we went kayaking earlier in the year, I filled out a form and ticked that I was a weak swimmer. Back in the day, I was strong. However, I swam laps recently and was out of breath and struggling with my technique after 20m. I persevered and did 500m with rests and poor technique yet felt my swimming is poor. Meanwhile, my friends, one of whom has not been in the water for 20 yrs, put down that they were strong swimmers. I felt like they were the pretendies. It seems I’m very serious about downplaying mine AND everybody elses’ abilities.
Still, there are ideas I have that I almost believe.
In one such notion I’m Earth Goddess in bare feet and long, flowing cotton dresses. In reality I’m in work clothes and exhausted. I feel disconnected to nature and barely human, let alone feminine.
In another I’m sexy confident woman in lingerie, make-up, stunning clothing and super high heels. Reality – those items of clothing sit in the closet unworn, the woman with “va-va-voom” waiting for that time when there are no dishes to be done, money to be made or dog poo to clean up.
I believe that my home should be my haven. Nope. There are things to do.
I have left wing ethical, moral, environmental leanings. Most of the time. When it suits me.
I project health. I’m not.
People think I’m laid back. Most definitely not.
Time to smell the roses? Only at work.
A walker. Who doesn’t walk.
A writer. Who doesn’t write.
A singer. Who doesn’t sing.
A giver. Who doesn’t want to give.
A spiritualist. Who doesn’t honour her spirit.
And of course it’s only me in the whole world who has the pretendies. Everyone else in the world is competent, confident and honest….
Oh, I guess pretending isn’t always bad.
“Hallo, Rabbit,” he said, “is that you?”
“Let’s pretend it isn’t,” said Rabbit, “and see what happens.”
― A.A. Milne