Sometimes I feel like I have a bad case of the pretendies.

Not heard the phrase before? I once heard Paul Kelly say that he felt that way before gigs – he wasn’t a real performer, he was a fraud, he was just an ordinary man. And how could he possibly go on stage in front of people?

Well, I feel that way about my work most of the time. And about many other things I do. When we went kayaking earlier in the year, I filled out a form and ticked that I was a weak swimmer. Back in the day, I was strong. However, I swam laps recently and was out of breath and struggling with my technique after 20m. I persevered and did 500m with rests and poor technique yet felt my swimming is poor. Meanwhile, my friends, one of whom has not been in the water for 20 yrs, put down that they were strong swimmers. I felt like they were the pretendies. It seems I’m very serious about downplaying mine AND everybody elses’ abilities.

Still, there are ideas I have that I almost believe.

In one such notion I’m Earth Goddess in bare feet and long, flowing cotton dresses. In reality I’m in work clothes and exhausted. I feel disconnected to nature and barely human, let alone feminine.

In another I’m sexy confident woman in lingerie, make-up, stunning clothing and super high heels. Reality – those items of clothing sit in the closet unworn, the woman with “va-va-voom” waiting for that time when there are no dishes to be done, money to be made or dog poo to clean up.

I believe that my home should be my haven. Nope. There are things to do.

I have left wing ethical, moral, environmental leanings. Most of the time. When it suits me.

I project health. I’m not.

People think I’m laid back. Most definitely not.

Time to smell the roses? Only at work.

Organised? Ha!

What else?

A walker. Who doesn’t walk.

A writer. Who doesn’t write.

A singer. Who doesn’t sing.

A giver. Who doesn’t want to give.

A spiritualist. Who doesn’t honour her spirit.

And of course it’s only me in the whole world who has the pretendies. Everyone else in the world is competent, confident and honest….

Oh, I guess pretending isn’t always bad.

“Hallo, Rabbit,” he said, “is that you?”
“Let’s pretend it isn’t,” said Rabbit, “and see what happens.”
― A.A. Milne


Of the female variety and hungry for knowledge, truth and love.

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Blog, Health, Inner World, Me Me Me!, My Dreams, Personal Growth
4 comments on “Pretendies
  1. starzyia says:

    if it helps, I feel that you have at least just exercised your excellent abilities as a writer, that was the most honest, and eloquent, even powerful posts I’ve read from you for a long time. I feel I should thank you for being so open, and also encourage you, because I know that you have greatness in your soul.

  2. mystic29 says:

    We all want to be more than we are and we all like to pretend to be more than we are. We all say to our kids that lying is bad and they shouldn’t…then we all lie and wonder why they do too. The world is a confusing place, a human construct to make us feel better about ourselves but a totally false place full of lies. The more we get away from our roots the more uncomfortable we feel about it…but where are our roots? Should we live like they do in 3rd world countries, would that make us feel ‘real’. Should we go back to living in a cave somewhere?
    Believe me you are not the only one full of doubts and worries…not that I have any answers for you because I’m just like you…

  3. tusername says:

    I can relate to much of what you have written. I too subscribe to the myth that everyone else around me has got it all together whilst I continue to stumble around blindly; yet at the same time I know too well that it IS a myth… perhaps the point is that we all have varying levels of denial or; varying tendencies to contemplate the more existential questions regarding all to do with this human existence. I still have no clear idea why I am even here on this planet in this body, nor any clear idea whether there even IS a reason for it or whether we are all just the result of some accident of nature. Having said that I should add that it IS fun to speculate… sometimes anyway… other times well – the whole thing gets tiresome.


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