A Mother of a Decision

It’s time for me to get personal.

I’m a 35 year old woman in a loving relationship. My partner has two beautiful children (and one deceased). I am not their mother. I have the desire to have children of my own. He doesn’t want to have any more children.

And here is where I become distraught. In order to have babies, I need to leave a loving relationship, leave a loving family.

hands

I understand some of his reasons. He went from being a full-time father to part-time. His children are now moving (physically) further away from him. He has already lost a child. He has done his fatherly duty. There are no guarantees our relationship would last forever and (it seems to be) not what he wants for himself or his current children.

And here’s me with a biological clock tick-tock. I’m around his children and oftentimes painfully aware that they are not my own. I have little say in their lives and I’m affected by the decisions of their mother. And it’s bearable when I feel hope for being a mother.

Oh yes, I feel wistful (okay, jealous) when people all around me are having babies. Young parents, accidental parents, loving parents, reluctant parents. At times, usually when I’m feeling that maternal urge, I have umpteen pregnancy massages to give. Often I become teary during the massage, wondering if I’ll ever share that experience.

I want to experience pregnancy, labour, breastfeeding and all that goes with motherhood. Perhaps it’s a rite of passage… I want it. I don’t believe my life will be better exactly, it’s more that I want the experience.

I consider the option of not having a child of my own. I don’t consider this for long.

My finances and career are not in the perfect place – or even practical – to support children. I would do it anyway. Perhaps I am naïve enough to believe it would be ok.

So, I guess I’m at a place of needing to share. I’m not sure exactly of what questions I need to ask myself. Is having children a dealbreaker? Can I sit on the fence? Do I continue to have a gardening business with my boyfriend? Do we break-up? Are there other things to consider?

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Of the female variety and hungry for knowledge, truth and love.

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Posted in Life, love, Me Me Me!, My Dreams, My Family, My Partner
6 comments on “A Mother of a Decision
  1. Mrs. ShuGar says:

    I too am in my mid-thirties and feeling the clock ticking. We will soon try for baby, but don’t know if this will be an easy journey. Follow your heart is my advice. I know it’s more complicated than that, but it’s also as simple as that.

  2. kymbo says:

    What a problem you have Spiral. There is no perfect time to have a child, there are always problems and it is always easier to wait a year…or two..or…
    If you have to have a child then it’s an imperative that you do so soon. As to the how and who..thats just going to have to be worked out on the fly. We just don’t get the perfect marriage, the perfect love any more, it’s a long way from what we feel we need inside but we must as we must.

  3. starzyia says:

    I remember you writing of this before, I don’t believe it is a stage for you or for your partner – though in my experience it is easier for someone to adjust to having an extra child than it is for someone to adjust to having none. You have so much to offer a child and I don’t think its selfish or unnatural for you to want to have a child you are physically and irrevocably connected to. Only you can decide if you need to alter the path your life is on but I think you know in your heart what means the most to you. What you are asking – you intuitively know the answer to.

  4. Spiral says:

    Thank you for the comments. It’s something I’ve been avoiding because I didn’t want to hear the answer. But there’s only one thing to do. We haven’t gone into details… seems so far fetched to make a decision to end this relationship. I’m heart broken.

  5. Tim says:

    I hate to hear that you’re having to go through this. I can certainly sympathize though as I’ve been struggling with much the same since my father past. It’s amazing how such seemingly unconnected things really bring everything into a new perspective.

  6. Spiral says:

    Even days later, it feels like a lot has passed. I’m now delving into the option of not having children and exploring whether that would work for me. As I said above, I’ve not really considered the idea. The whole thing is exhausting but it’s good to really find out as much as I can about myself.

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