It’s time for me to get personal.
I’m a 35 year old woman in a loving relationship. My partner has two beautiful children (and one deceased). I am not their mother. I have the desire to have children of my own. He doesn’t want to have any more children.
And here is where I become distraught. In order to have babies, I need to leave a loving relationship, leave a loving family.
I understand some of his reasons. He went from being a full-time father to part-time. His children are now moving (physically) further away from him. He has already lost a child. He has done his fatherly duty. There are no guarantees our relationship would last forever and (it seems to be) not what he wants for himself or his current children.
And here’s me with a biological clock tick-tock. I’m around his children and oftentimes painfully aware that they are not my own. I have little say in their lives and I’m affected by the decisions of their mother. And it’s bearable when I feel hope for being a mother.
Oh yes, I feel wistful (okay, jealous) when people all around me are having babies. Young parents, accidental parents, loving parents, reluctant parents. At times, usually when I’m feeling that maternal urge, I have umpteen pregnancy massages to give. Often I become teary during the massage, wondering if I’ll ever share that experience.
I want to experience pregnancy, labour, breastfeeding and all that goes with motherhood. Perhaps it’s a rite of passage… I want it. I don’t believe my life will be better exactly, it’s more that I want the experience.
I consider the option of not having a child of my own. I don’t consider this for long.
My finances and career are not in the perfect place – or even practical – to support children. I would do it anyway. Perhaps I am naïve enough to believe it would be ok.
So, I guess I’m at a place of needing to share. I’m not sure exactly of what questions I need to ask myself. Is having children a dealbreaker? Can I sit on the fence? Do I continue to have a gardening business with my boyfriend? Do we break-up? Are there other things to consider?