Torrents

I’ve been wondering if I still have baggage to do with moving out. We’ve missed out on a couple of properties and when I look at rentals, none of them have really seemed exciting or like I could live there.

Am I just adjusting to working 11 days a fortnight and having less time and energy and more responsibility?
Yes and at times I’m exhausted and a bit more grumpy than usual, but I’m putting in lots of effort in looking, making applications and aware that, once I’ve unpacked, I’ll have more time.

Am I content where I am and not wanting to change? 
Not really. I’m itching to move and have my own/shared space. Of course, cheap rent is fantastic and I know I can always pay the bills but I am earning enough to easily cover rent, bills and even save a small amount.

Am I afraid of moving in with Mr Connection?
Possibly. I feel excited to be living with him but it is a big step. There are still lots of things to learn about each other. We both live with others and haven’t seen each other in our own space very much. There will be a few surprises. I feel that I will be able to deal with them as he will also discover things about me he may or may not be expecting!

I will have a bigger role around his children. At the moment, I drop in and spend some time, outings, sleep over sometimes… Living in the same space will change that and we’ll all need to adjust.

Living with my exes didn’t work so well, mostly because it wasn’t and never did feel right for me. I never felt excited or ready. I now feel overdue and overjoyed to live with Mr Connection. But emotional baggage lingers. I still have memories and a bit of fear that it may not work out. Not much fear, I think it’s mostly habit. I’ve set myself up in a position to do this and maintain some independence (financial, social). We’re in a similar position (except he has his children to think about) so it should be fairly equal.

I guess the rest is uncertainty about the future. Most things I will handle but I have a worst case scenario; that we’ll split-up just when I’m too old to find a mate and birth children. In reality, it won’t get that far. At some stage – while I’m still fertile – I/we will need to make a decision around children. For some reason I feel nervous to move in with someone and see how it goes. For us, the next step is to live together. For me, my step has been to “grow-up”. I am doing things I need to be doing in order to move in that direction. I don’t feel like I’m clinging desperately to the hope that he’ll want another child with me. It’s just that I feel wistful sometimes and that I do want to be a birth mother.

Are combined smaller doubts freezing me up a bit?
Likely. Lucky I can blog about it!

Am I just (re)learning how to house-hunt?
Also true. I’m getting better at it. Our timing has sucked a bit. But joy, this evening I’ve found a new listing that I like the look of, price, location and am keen to chase it up. Plus, a friend is helping look at places near her (she wants gin and tonic evenings) and has found another okay one to look at.

The search continues…

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About

Of the female variety and hungry for knowledge, truth and love.

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Posted in Dating, Inner World, Life, love, Me Me Me!, My Partner, Personal Growth, Winds of Change
6 comments on “Torrents
  1. I know you will find exactly the right place. There is no doubt about it 🙂

  2. tempo says:

    So many worries…I’m sure they will all work out in the end because youre going in the right direction and putting in all the hard work. Try not to worry too much about the things well into the future, there’s not much you can do about that except wait and see…

  3. Ayesha says:

    well these things are always in every person’s life (normal everyday citizen)but the way you have questioned self literally shows your quest for self and intellectual mind if your’s,wish every1 would question themselves,the more responsible citizens the shall be, nice article…………

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