I feel like I’m fucking-up.
Thing is, there’s nothing exciting to report. No grand ‘wow, I really fucked-up’ moment. Just little sprinklings of not really doing anything, not really getting anywhere and not even making any real decisions.
Are you with me?
Life is passing me by.
Okay, that’s dramatic and not true. I’m living. I’m just not l-i-v-i-n-g. I feel stuck.
My efforts at changing careers are not proving fruitful… probably because I’m a bit scared and haven’t really tried. I’ve found a day or so of extra work in my current career and haven’t really pushed that to start because I’m dithering and don’t want new beginnings in my old-current career. A friend has offered me casual work in her garden and I don’t feel qualified or how to do what’s required and am delaying. I’m not promoting my own business, I’m not doing more for my current main job.
Are you getting this? I’m afraid of work in all its forms.
My health complaints are not really getting better or worse.
My income is not getting better and perhaps even worse.
My dreams are stagnant.
Oh woe is me.
Why do I find it so hard to make decisions and/or do what is required? And when I get an inkling of what I might like to try*, why is it so hard to get an opportunity?
Perhaps I will focus on the things I do want:-
– to enjoy working 4-5 days a week, some of which is outdoor work
– be earning enough to move out with Mr Connection (I have a figure in mind)
– to repay my loan to my parents (is happening very slowly but consistently ATM)
– to be saving some $ each week
– to be in excellent health, give and receive plenty of love, and have a balanced existence with right amounts of work, rest and play
– to feel like I’m moving forward in life (I think that basically means that I’m happy, growing, empowered and making choices)
Brief, but a start. I know that work is the most abstract, the least clear of my goals. My mind goes into a panic of not knowing if I’ll like certain jobs, be able to do them, survive interviews, applications, be able to talk myself into giving it a go, want to do them and an array of what ifs.
There’s no conclusion to this post. I’ve found a point to examine and you, lovely readers, get an insight into my mind. Please feel free to share your thoughts,
*Yeah, that’s about as decisive as I get, folks…