Spring Cleaning My Relationship Closet

Feels like time for a bit of an update.

I’ve had health problems on and off for the past two weeks. First, a flare-up of Ulcerative Colitis. Bloody painful, uncomfortable and embarrassing but, thankfully, the worst of it only lasted for three days before a shift to recovering. My period arrived a day after finally feeling myself again, bringing with it Endometriosis pain. Bloody painful, uncomfortable and embarrassing, and thankfully only lasted a day.

I feel good now 🙂

I think there were hormonal components but also it coincides with me going through past relationships in my mind. Discovering, reading and deleting emails, letters and trying to gain some sort of sense of things. I just seem to get more confused, though.

What I’m wanting to find doesn’t exist.

There is no simple crystal clear truth that I can examine and assess.

If I rub harder, will a Magic Genie pop out?

My current health problems started during that first long relationship and part of me thinks that if I can identify an event or thought pattern, then I can change and shift from dis-ease to ease. What does come up is that I feel confusion, guilt, fear, regret, hurt, anger, betrayal, downtrodden, powerless and blinded by so much. And I can see that there was a lot of love, compassion, kindness, friendship and even forms of respect.

Big confusion.

And now I have an inkling that what will help me feel better is forgiveness. To forgive him, others around us, but mostly to forgive myself. It seems like a hard thing to do: to admit that mistakes were made and be OK with that. And to let it go.

Letting go… *deep breath in, deep breath out*

My current relationship is now six months young and I’d love to just be free of past demons, patterns, thoughts etc. but it doesn’t seem to work like that. A comment or action sends a whiff of familiar discomfort through me. However, there aren’t many moments and they are in present time. As the months go by and we become more established, I’m hoping I (and Mr Connection too) have done enough inner work for us to have a healthy happy relationship. We really seem to and I’m always working on myself, growing and learning…

And hopefully that’s enough.

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About

Of the female variety and hungry for knowledge, truth and love.

Posted in Inner World
2 comments on “Spring Cleaning My Relationship Closet
  1. Oh, yes. Definitely rub harder. 😉 (A genie will pop out, I promise.)

    I have this lovely belief that I am actually in control of everything, so really there is no one to forgive but me. All these other cartoon characters are my constructs, so how can I blame them for what I make them do? It is actually a helpful exercise.

    They say time is the greatest healer (whoever they are) but what that really means is everything is fine after your story-making organ (brain) forgets about it. What does that say? Things are only important until you forget them? Or, that they weren’t really important at all?

    My wife’s meditation teacher says that she never believes her thoughts anymore. Isn’t that an amazing concept? I think I almost understand what she means by that even as I continue to enjoy all this wonderful story-making going on in my head – still, to distance oneself from it even for a short time – say twenty minutes in meditation – is pretty refreshing.

  2. kymbo says:

    There are few truths in life Spiral, we cant know what anyone else is thinking, we cant control what anyone else does..there might be some more but they dont seem to fit this situation.
    Maybe some people can think their way through life but it has never been like that for me, I stumble from one place to another without having much control of whats leading me. It’s only later that I can look back and see what caused what and why things went the way they did. I’ve always thought it was because I was too close to the event at the time to see it for what it was.
    I’m a big believer in forgive and forget, especially the forget part..but you cant forget until you’ve forgiven.

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