Feels like time for a bit of an update.
I’ve had health problems on and off for the past two weeks. First, a flare-up of Ulcerative Colitis. Bloody painful, uncomfortable and embarrassing but, thankfully, the worst of it only lasted for three days before a shift to recovering. My period arrived a day after finally feeling myself again, bringing with it Endometriosis pain. Bloody painful, uncomfortable and embarrassing, and thankfully only lasted a day.
I feel good now 🙂
I think there were hormonal components but also it coincides with me going through past relationships in my mind. Discovering, reading and deleting emails, letters and trying to gain some sort of sense of things. I just seem to get more confused, though.
What I’m wanting to find doesn’t exist.
There is no simple crystal clear truth that I can examine and assess.
My current health problems started during that first long relationship and part of me thinks that if I can identify an event or thought pattern, then I can change and shift from dis-ease to ease. What does come up is that I feel confusion, guilt, fear, regret, hurt, anger, betrayal, downtrodden, powerless and blinded by so much. And I can see that there was a lot of love, compassion, kindness, friendship and even forms of respect.
And now I have an inkling that what will help me feel better is forgiveness. To forgive him, others around us, but mostly to forgive myself. It seems like a hard thing to do: to admit that mistakes were made and be OK with that. And to let it go.
Letting go… *deep breath in, deep breath out*
My current relationship is now six months young and I’d love to just be free of past demons, patterns, thoughts etc. but it doesn’t seem to work like that. A comment or action sends a whiff of familiar discomfort through me. However, there aren’t many moments and they are in present time. As the months go by and we become more established, I’m hoping I (and Mr Connection too) have done enough inner work for us to have a healthy happy relationship. We really seem to and I’m always working on myself, growing and learning…
And hopefully that’s enough.