Getting back to the seriousness of the young man that committed suicide. It’s funny, a few weeks previously I’d enquired after him. I knew there were a few challenges in his life and wondered how he was handling things… Apparently not so well.
I feel for his family and friends. I feel for others who have been through similar experiences or lost loved ones. I get more perspective for those close to me, yet still can’t fully comprehend their grief.
I think of depression, a familiar acquaintance. I now turn to thoughts of myself. I’m not bipolar, don’t generally have extremes, just low-grade mild depression… for years and years. I started noticing it when I was about ten. I’d feel unhappy, confused, powerless and not able to cope with the feelings. My teen years were pretty harsh –crying, confusion, feeling stuck, low in confidence, unable to make decisions and unmotivated. I now know that a lot of what I experience(d) is anxiety. When I deal with that, the bad feelings lessen or go away. Some things make me panic and no one was able to pick that up or talk with me about what was going on or delve into my feelings.
I’ve never been medicated or treated properly until I started doing inner work. Once I started to open up and share how I felt, I discovered that others felt similar things. I was normal and it was all OK.
Mind you, I went through a pretty rough time in my adult years, particularly in the last few. Love relationships can be a trap for me. Although there have always been positives and some healthy components, my serious relationships have been with men that were controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. Seven had serious issues and disrespect for women, MM became particularly nasty in the last year we were together and I did spiral down into a very painful place, the lowest I’ve been. When I started noticing strange thoughts, that I just could let myself be hit by a car- sort of thing, I sought out help. Counselling, psychology, library books, spiritual church, friends, family, meditation, blogging and allowing myself to be myself, they all helped boost me up to a better place where I could start to make my own decisions.
Unfortunately, gotta go again. My car had two blown light globes which is a relief and slightly embarrassing.