I’ve been holding out on you…
I’ve been having a whole lot of internal and challenging stuff going on and it feels like time to share and get some feedback.
I’m in a very small class at Tech. There are four of us full-timers Mon-Wed. I’m the only woman. Every day there are a few extra students in each class but they revolve around the core four.
On the first day of class I noticed an attraction to a classmate. We’ve been dancing around each other, slowly letting our stories unfold and getting to know each other. He has voiced feeling a connection to me and we’ve hung out a few times as well as socially with the others.
He’s a lovely person, a few years older, physically attractive, emotionally open and spiritually minded. And has major baggage, a complicated life and going through an incredibly tough time. My inner rescuer wants to make it better. It turns out he is also a healer/rescuer – possibly finds himself wanting to help me.
I see all these warning signs (as he probably does too) and we have been avoiding getting romantically involved. Without actually talking about it. Or at least I have been avoiding it. Last week we learned more about what stage of life each of us are at and seem to be incompatible. In one way it’s a relief and in another it’s disappointing.
I have been single now for almost 6 months and am feeling it. I study or work 6-7 days a week and don’t have much time to socialise. I had a vague plan to date and try to keep it casual. It’s not what I really want in the long run but I thought it would be a good way to get to know men and myself before another serious relationship. Instead, I am in a class surrounded by men. I’m getting to know different males as friends, being around different personality types and learning in that way without having to date any of them. It seems the Universe has provided that experience without putting me through the angst of casually dating.
Except that I’m still crushing on Mr Connection. I am putting boundaries up with the aim to stay as friends and not flirting anymore. I am OK with the experience and it’s really nice to be becoming close friends with him… but it does bring up some pretty heavy emotions to deal with.
My boss thinks I need to go out and have sex to help me change my focus. I promised her I’d ‘keep it in my pants’ around Mr Connection and she told me to go home and have a good play with myself. So great having a candid boss!
Oh, it’s all good, all still unfolding and evolving, just feel the need to share what’s going on there.
* * *
The other thing that has been happening at Tech is that another male classmate has been teasing me and making sexual innuendos and flirting with me. He’s a fair bit older and attached and I’ve been feeling really uncomfortable around him, so much so that I’ve found myself talking about it with others, crying and feeling self-conscious and unhappy. I have been brushing it off for weeks but I finally snapped last night and realised I needed to listen to myself and that it was in fact not OK. I have not ever been flirting back but have been withdrawing and putting up walls and boundaries. Today I talked to him about it and he was really receptive and glad I said something. I feel muchly relieved. If only I’d said something sooner it may not have become such a big deal for me. But at least I’ve said something now. I know I may need to keep reminding him to change the behaviour but feel like I can do that now and it’s really freeing.
So that’s some of what’s been going on in my life.
(Unfortunately I’ve run out of time to edit or write more but it will do. )