As more days go by I can’t help beaming at people as I wander about. A cool-looking man with a curly mane singles me out and tries to engage in conversation. I am still having man issues and feeling ugly and having none of his banter. I don’t want to tell him my star sign. He is a Pisces. I relent and he grins and tells me a quality of my sign is stubbornness as I make my exit.
A day later I walk in the market place. People are passing and I am headed vaguely towards my tent. A man passes and does a double-take as he spots me. I recognise him as Pisces from the day before. He steps towards me theatrically, slowly, deliberately, hands outstretched, cups my face, kisses my cheek gently, ignoring my dropped jaw and walks off.
I feel a confusing mix of outrage, fear, invasion, respected, accepted, special, admiration, shame, sadness, vulnerability and curiosity. He has my attention but alas, I am not able to recognise him again.
* * *
I do a tantric yoga workshop one morning and enjoy the exercises and the energy that is created. However, I have an aversion to a participant and feel uneasy the moment I see him. He keeps making eye contact and I feel threatened and uncomfortable. I feel his sexual energy and am repulsed. After the class I refuse the hug he has asked for.
I find myself at another small workshop later in the day and there he is again. In the class we explore body postures and associated emotions and bodywork and I am still noticing the man staring at me and make sure not to work with him. Towards the end of the workshop he offers himself as a case study and I see his vulnerability and tears and realise he is actually a person, has his own issues and just wants to be loved.
I also notice that he looks eerily like Mr Basketcase and that I am reacting to that. I decide to talk with him, explain some of what is going on and offer him that hug he asked for earlier. As I approach, the ‘teacher’ asks if he can mediate because there’s a lot of stuff happening energetically between tantric man and me. We talk for an hour and I learn that I have been making many assumptions about men being sexual predators. And that I have many personal issues around sex, sexuality, men, myself…
Tantric admits he thinks I’m stunning (and seems almost in love with me). I resist the urge to run away. Mediator asks if I can just accept that, that I don’t have to do anything, can I just allow a man to be attracted to me? And he asks tantric man if he can just accept that I’m not interested. We talk a little about past experiences.
I discover that we were each playing out certain roles for each other and were attracted/repelled because of that. I feel like something powerful has occurred and very grateful for the opportunity and that I am strong enough to talk with him and try to work things out. I also realise I can choose what experiences I have by my thoughts. If I think of men as sleazebags/controllers/scary etc – that’s what I’ll get! We all have out stories and experiences and they are not always THE truth. We can change them.
[This incident felt like a climax and resolution of all the uncomfortable man vibes I was getting the whole festival. Even though I didn’t and still don’t understand it all, it felt very healing.]
The next day I have the opportunity to talk more with tantric man. It becomes clear that he is actually more a mirror of Seven and that I have been reacting to that. The needy eyes and hunched hulking figure. My issues around Seven start coming up. Seven was very controlling. I allowed Seven to manipulate me in his illness. I nursed him for years and allowed him to influence me. It also brings up MM issues, though there is no obvious physical resemblence. I have more clarity on unhealthy men issues.
* * *
Anyway anyway anyway, this last event happened on Monday. I wake up on the Tuesday feeling GREAT. I feet wonderful. Beautiful. Sexy. Comfortable. Whole. I smile and smile and beam at people. I am chatty. The weather is cooler. I happily enjoy some naked time. I am certain some powerful shift has taken place with the previous day’s big incident. I am light as a feather. I am love and joy. I am ConFest.