New moon last night. Had a dream last night about my first boyfriend, Seven. I came across him while travelling at the back of a bus and asked him why he deleted me and all my friends and family from Facebook. His answer was, oh you know, blah blah blah. And I told him no, I didn’t know what that meant. The feeling in the dream was that he still had a certain image of me and of who I am.
The person I was when I was in that relationship has grown. I was a very young ‘un back then. We met when I was 21 and were a couple for 7 yrs. He was 8 yrs my senior. After breaking-up we still lived together for another year, during which time I met Mandorla Man – 11 yrs older (really ummed and aahed about another older man) – and started dating him. Two strong male influences was too much and I moved out into my own place and kept dating MM.
Anyway, in the last year of the relationship with Seven, I had an affair or two. Major control issues and being young were a factor in heading down that path. Also, my role models of how to have relationships had serious flaws, I hadn’t yet learned how to communicate openly with anyone and well, I was just curious.
Deeper than that, I was not happy and wanted out but felt scared, controlled and manipulated into staying in the relationship. It was a very unhealthy situation.
Going straight into another relationship without healing the damage from Seven was also unhealthy. He imprinted/implanted many messages about what a terrible person I was. I didn’t share what was going on with my family or friends. I felt terrible guilt and shame but on top of that I felt alone.
I think I mentioned that part of my relationship with MM felt like a karmic punishment. That’s the main reason why. When we met I still believed I was a bad person. Even though there were a lot of good times with MM, it was always hard work and I was attracting behaviours to reinforce my badness. They all came to a head a few months ago when I realised I could have a life without pain. I’ve had four years of penance. Enough.
All relationships forward will be about love, positivity and possibility.
Recently, a friend confided in me that she is cheating. I think she’s brave to share that information and I shared my tale with her. I also shared with her that it’s highly improbable that I would repeat adulterous behaviour, that I’ve learned some lessons from my experience. But her situation is very different and she is on her own journey, learning her own lessons. I told her to be kind to herself and that she’ll work it out and I am not judging her.
I also got my hands on a copy of Moonstruck where the characters all talk pretty openly about what’s going on in their lives… including affairs. And they work it out. It’s just a movie but answers seem to come whenever I ask for them.
I’m not exactly sure what to make of the dream. I could contact Seven if I wanted. He lives a half hour away. A few weeks ago I passed through his town and saw his mum in the supermarket. I hid. I could drop-in, I could phone. Or I could leave us in confused dreamland on the bus.
I could continue to forgive him.
I could continue to forgive myself.