New moon last night. Had a dream last night about my first boyfriend, Seven. I came across him while travelling at the back of a bus and asked him why he deleted me and all my friends and family from Facebook. His answer was, oh you know, blah blah blah. And I told him no, I didn’t know what that meant. The feeling in the dream was that he still had a certain image of me and of who I am.

The person I was when I was in that relationship has grown. I was a very young ‘un back then. We met when I was 21 and were a couple for 7 yrs. He was 8 yrs my senior. After breaking-up we still lived together for another year, during which time I met Mandorla Man – 11 yrs older (really ummed and aahed about another older man) – and started dating him. Two strong male influences was too much and I moved out into my own place and kept dating MM.

Anyway, in the last year of the relationship with Seven, I had an affair or two. Major control issues and being young were a factor in heading down that path. Also, my role models of how to have relationships had serious flaws, I hadn’t yet learned how to communicate openly with anyone and well, I was just curious.

Deeper than that, I was not happy and wanted out but felt scared, controlled and manipulated into staying in the relationship. It was a very unhealthy situation.

Going straight into another relationship without healing the damage from Seven was also unhealthy. He imprinted/implanted many messages about what a terrible person I was. I didn’t share what was going on with my family or friends. I felt terrible guilt and shame but on top of that I felt alone.

I think I mentioned that part of my relationship with MM felt like a karmic punishment. That’s the main reason why. When we met I still believed I was a bad person. Even though there were a lot of good times with MM, it was always hard work and I was attracting behaviours to reinforce my badness. They all came to a head a few months ago when I realised I could have a life without pain. I’ve had four years of penance. Enough.

All relationships forward will be about love, positivity and possibility.

Recently, a friend confided in me that she is cheating. I think she’s brave to share that information and I shared my tale with her. I also shared with her that it’s highly improbable that I would repeat adulterous behaviour, that I’ve learned some lessons from my experience. But her situation is very different and she is on her own journey, learning her own lessons. I told her to be kind to herself and that she’ll work it out and I am not judging her.

I also got my hands on a copy of Moonstruck where the characters all talk pretty openly about what’s going on in their lives… including affairs. And they work it out. It’s just a movie but answers seem to come whenever I ask for them.

I’m not exactly sure what to make of the dream. I could contact Seven if I wanted. He lives a half hour away. A few weeks ago I passed through his town and saw his mum in the supermarket. I hid. I could drop-in, I could phone. Or I could leave us in confused dreamland on the bus.

I could continue to forgive him.

I could continue to forgive myself.


Of the female variety and hungry for knowledge, truth and love.

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Break up, Me Me Me!, My Dreams, My Partner, Personal Growth
5 comments on “Moonstruck
  1. In the bus one is in a state of transit, transition, changing planetary position. Every relationship changes constantly because both entities are in motion. In the back of the bus one has anonymity, almost intimacy, privacy, yet one is somehow different than those up front, in the driver’s sensory sphere. And who is driving, I wonder?

    Dream on.

    Oh, and what colors did you see?

  2. Tim says:

    A life without pain? Yes, doesn’t seem like too much to ask

  3. […] current health problems started during that first long relationship and part of me thinks that if I can identify an event or thought pattern, then I can change and […]

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