I’ve been back for about two months now, in my new home for about a month.
I’ve had a few emails or calls with the ex and am finding that I’m having a lot of emotional reactions. I’m discovering a lot Lot LOT of anger and pain and grief and experiencing deep wracking sobs. In a way it feels good and healthy to feel it out. It’s not really possible to resolve the issues that we had/have, I still feel them intently.
I’m also acutely aware of things that I NEVER want to repeat. I’ve said no to some requests or suggestions that don’t feel right with him or others. I’m doing my best to learn my lessons and move on.
Last phone call, I had the strange feeling (as we were talking) that he is more and more a ghost-spirit, that he lives on the wind. I can’t get a sense of his presence. It’s more than feeling like two strangers (which we’re both experiencing), more than growing apart; it’s like he’s not quite real. That he flits and floats and bustles about but there’s no substance to him and it’s almost as though the activity keeps him from flying off.
As the conversation ended, I had the image of us getting further and further away as if we were in separate boats on a vast ocean… it was unclear who was moving away from whom… but I could visualise us waving goodbye to each other.
* * *
I’m noticing subtle shifts in myself. As the weeks pass I feel like I’m becoming myself and discovering what that is. I am discovering confidence within myself in situations where I will ask a question or speak up if I want to. At an Angel workshop, there was lots of noise in the hallway. After the introduction, I commented on how the noise was distracting me, was there anything we could do about it. Twenty participants looked at me gratefully and a few actually thanked me for saying what the others were too afraid to say.
I’m broaching tasks that scare me, socialising and helping out in the share house and on most days I wear a flower in my hair. I’ve been out talking and distantly flirting with the folks in town. Many seem to be seeing me for the first time as an individual person. Of course, they all know my ex and many want to talk about him. But it’s all good.
Parting words said to me on Saturday night,
“Keep floating. It suits you.”