Am settling into the share house. It’s a bit strange hearing noises late at night or early in the morning but I’m getting more used to it. They’re not loud housemates, just up late or do shift work and I can hear murmurings through the walls.
But as much as I appreciate wildlife, there are rats scuttling around in the walls/ceilings and it definitely creeps me out. I think I’m allowed to be girly and panic around rats. My housemates tell me they’ve blocked up all the holes and the rodents don’t come in the house… anymore.
Meditated today and noticed incredible pressure around my chest and heart. Concrete. Walled. Pained. I just allowed it to be and thanked it for being there.
I realise I’m a lot less stressed without Mandorla Man around. He was quite a controlling person and had opinions on everything. And that’s just gone except for the voice in my head that notices how much more relaxed I am and is happy I’ve done things my way.
I’m starting to wonder if a partner can enhance my life. Right now I’m not alone yet have my own space. I have work, health, friends and family. I am loved. And my libido that has been MIA for quite some time seems to be making a bit of a reappearance. I can quite expertly and lovingly take care of those desires. So I am really questioning the benefits of having a lover.
I still want children so I guess there’s that. I do still hope for someone who’s more than a sperm donor but don’t really believe in soulmates right now. I don’t know if I can (or am not ready to) believe in finding someone who loves me, wants to share a life together with positives and negatives but that we mostly bring out the best in each other.
Lastly, my brother is very ill and in hospital. I am trying not to worry about him – leaving that job for mum – and be positive. Going to visit him this weekend and go to my high school reunion. I will get to see my parents too.
Over and out.