It’s strange being back here. In a way it’s very familiar. I know people, I know the town, the environment. I have inside knowledge on the goings on about the place and I don’t feel lonely. I feel very ‘at home’.
But in another way – WTF am I doing here??? I had a plan, y’know? I had a pretty good relationship with a pretty good fella and the next step was to get ready for having a baby. I was working on that “next step” for two years. I knew it would be soon. We just needed to earn more money/find that perfect permanent location/get along better/heal the relationship/get more healthy/be ready/delay.
I was blinded by my dazzling daydream of what I wanted and didn’t see what I was actually presented with.
So I moved on.
Now I feel like I’m in a Parallel Universe.
I’ve felt like this before. Years ago, when it ended with the ex lover, I locked a part of us away in a fantasy world of poetry and erotic explorations. So the other day, when we had that encounter in the supermarket, it was a shock to see the flesh, the reality – so opposed to my fairytale. And to realise that I had strong emotions that needed to be dealt with (I’ll get around to that some time).
And now I am frequently awed by my current situation post Mandorla Man. What am I doing back here, back at my old job and single? Moving into a share house? It’s so different to the life I was living and creating, sort of opposite to what I’ve been building up to over the past four+ years. Even weirder is that the house I’m moving into is on the same block I lived on before I moved away from here.
It feels like the Universe is putting me back where I was.
To start over?
Make my own decisions?
I chose to come back here using meditation, drawing, intuition and for practical reasons. I chose to come back to my old job, to see my old friends. And I’m now choosing the share house, even knowing the address.
Being here feels right for now, even if it also feels bizarre.