All day we feel our way through emotions. Up, down, neutral, off to the side…
And there are times – like now – when the ups are higher, the downs are lower, the sideways are more off-kilter; and they all occur more frequently or even coincide.
It’s a glorious dance, an allowing of ebb and flow.
Feeling sad, afraid, lonely, angry, resentful – all these “negative” emotions are but small movements of the dance. Emotions change. They wash in and out like the tides.
So I cry. I laugh. I pine. I write. I do what needs to be done. I forget. I remember. I work. I be.
There is much overlap.
Tears fall unexpectedly at times and I let them. They pass by. Happiness pays a few visits. Anger and resentment stop by briefly. Heartache lays down with me until I fall asleep.
Although I am in unchartered waters, grieving and unsure, in many ways I feel stronger and healthier than for much of the past year. The main difference is that I am not stuck in a rut or depression. There is movement and fluidity.
I share my circumstances and emotions more openly than I once did. I’ve discovered that people actually long to discover what is inside me and how I feel. They want to relate to me and are prompted to share their own experiences and emotions. It has helped so much to hear that we all go through a similar journey.
I bring up this topic because someone commented, a while ago, that I didn’t seem that well. I don’t agree. I was/am more vulnerable and emotional. I don’t see that as bad or good or an indication of wellness. It’s just where I am right now.
There’s actually a power in opening up to others; friends come from all around, falling over themselves to offer support. I can almost feel an invisible team of helpers buoying me up.
Even when the break-up was raw and recent, and I was finding it harder to cope, no one judged me (I mean real-life people who don’t have access to my blog) as being weak or a failure. I was still able to work and function shakily, even to care for others. I was just emotional. Those observers seemed to know that I was at an ebb.
I’ve learned that judgement or getting stuck in guilt, blame and shame are the biggest blocks to my emotional wellbeing. If I tell myself it’s OK to feel what I feel, it passes.
(to be continued)