I know that you are part and parcel of my fertile years in this life as a woman. That’s fine and dandy. Even if I don’t understand why I can’t simply switch you on and off as required for breeding, I can accept that it’s just the way things are. It’s a cosmic magical wondrous thing to be able to reproduce. I’m all for that.
It’s just that there are some things I want to ask you about and I expect you to consider your answers carefully. You see, it has come to my attention that you may be overstepping your position. I’m sure this matter can be cleared up with a few questions.
Okely dokely. Firstly, why do you invariably arrive just in the nick of time for camping trips, sleepovers, holidays at the beach, performances of any kind and formal events? You know, sometimes you’re not even due but appear early or late just especially to coincide with special events. Are you an attention-seeker and feel the need to be included in extraordinary ocassions?
And why is your flow so heavy? Why must you so deplete my body of iron and energy? Why does it seem to be your mission to stain all of my knickers? And while we’re on the subject, why do you flow heaviest when I am ready to sleep? Do you have a sadistic need to keep me and everyone else around me awake at night?
And this is really important: why is it that if I lie on my back, you manage to miss the long overnight pad altogether by sliding down my bum crack and out onto my underwear and bedclothes? I can appreciate it’s actually quite an impressive trick but did I ask you to be a clown?
And really, what’s the deal with the pain? I don’t for one second believe it to be a necessary part of the process.
Oh, and PMS, fluid retention, cravings, mid-cycle bleeding, endometriosis, clots??? And how about that time you didn’t stop for weeks and then I haemorrhaged and went blue? I bet you were hoping I’d forgotten about that!
Finally, why is it not the done thing to talk about you? For my teen years, and well beyond, I felt embarrassed, abnormal and afraid to talk about you, only to discover later on that all women have some kind of issues with their periods.
That’s all for now, Period. I hope you understand that I am asking for my menstruation with a minimum of fuss and no frilly (or distressing) extras. I suggest that you take up a hobby in order to fulfill your creative needs and look forward to hearing your reply.