The official ‘let’s break-up’ talk has been had. And though I’ve been facing up to the end of our relationship for more than a week, it still has a deeper impact when it becomes real. MM was away for seven days and we barely spoke. It was obvious that the end was nigh. If I wasn’t ready to break up, I would have been pretty pissed off at him not keeping in contact with me during that time! I called him one day hoping to hear some love in his voice. Nothing.
He’s been pushing me away for the last year. Small steps to separate us. Our finances, our holidays, our lives. Most things have felt wrong wrong wrong and hurtful. Often downright mean. I fought against many things and he would always win because he decided he was right and we both decided I was wrong. I know I have thought he was a wonderful man but when I think back at the things I tolerated, I feel so foolish. And right now he seems to be making it as difficult for me as possible. I am still in his house, though I spent the weekend at mum’s. But now I am back and in the spare room tonight. I am looking for somewhere to move out to and looking for emergency employment (which basically means I am lowering my standards and considering any legal paying job).
I’m still in the first stages of break-up shock. It seems weird when I knew I had to end it but still, I had hope we could end it in some respectful way. Really, I wanted to allow the option of it working out further down the track, like in 6 mths or a year. It’s becoming apparent that I’m also in denial. While I’ve been nursing my broken heart and doing career stuff in mum’s town, MM has been reorganising things in his house to suit his new bachelor lifestyle and deciding he wants me to move my office into the other bedroom because he wants that room. What a dickhead! What an insensitive prick! I explained that I would rather spend that half day working or finding accommodation so that I can move out and he can then have the room/house all to himself. I sooooo need to move out. I’ve had friends offer a room for a few weeks, perhaps I should take someone up on it.
I feel his anger and hate and indifference when he tells me that chores will now be done like so, as if I’m a flatmate or boarder. Until two days ago we were a couple! It’s hard to get my head around. And my emotions. And I feel his judgement and abuse when I ask a few questions and he asks me if I’m stupid. And I wonder how part of me can want this man. I crave the affection and attention, not him. Not this him. There was a him who was loving and caring and doting and warm and funny and giving and sharing and…
It really pisses me off that he is so cool about our relationship ending. We were going to have children together. I ditched my job, flat, friends and beloved town to travel with him. I was penniless, actually in debt. We finally kicked out the tenants in his house and moved in. We didn’t plan to stay here, it was temporary. I started working and paid off some debts but I did not save. The small amount “fun” money I spent went on things like vitamins for health and other “luxuries” like emergency dental, underwear, and one haircut this year. I was still thinking of our potential future together. Of the fairytale.
Only a month ago I had a late period and possible miscarriage. I felt like I was pregnant. I sooooooooooo wanted to have a baby. Everyone thought we would have children soon. Psychics were predicting it. But I have felt miserable and depressed. Here, while we were travelling. And before. I thought it was me but I’m beginning to wonder if it was because MM was suffocating me and [insert negative emotions]. I was living his life. He begged me to come along. And now he is changing his mind about what he wants. And expects me to understand. Not just about me but about what he wants to do now.
I never had time on my own to grieve and heal after my last relationship ended. I made the mistake of staying in the house with my ex. We actually got on well in some ways but had a toxic dependency in others. I met MM while I was still living with the ex and MM helped me become more independent and move on with my life. And a lot of the time it felt like he was trying to change me. Or control me.
I think I got so used to feeling bad it became normal. And I’ve continuously had a partner in my life telling me how low I am for the past 11 years. I have gained some strength and am starting to realise that I deserve happiness, to be treated well and respected. I have started writing all the things I want in a relationship. It’s clear I’ve not had a partner be those things, even when I thought they were.
Fuck, it’s so messed up. So much to do, so much to worry about.
I just need to get by for the next week until I make arrangements. Lord, give me strength, I truly need it!
So tired, need to sleep. I’m gonna post, can always delete/edit it later.