Almost four years ago I began a relationship with a man who was attractive, interesting, loving and seemingly right for me. Of course, there were some opposites and some annoying habits but doesn’t everyone have those? I’m certainly no saint and have lots of flaws myself. I overlooked the bad and focused on the positive.
But there were frustrations and miscommunications. Constantly. There was so much drama and questioning and we never really seemed to resolve our differences and issues.
In the last few days I’ve seen a psychologist and a Reverend, had chats with family and friends, done some writing, thinking, meditating and dreaming.
I’m seeing the relationship from a detached place. I’m seeing that I felt soooooooo badly about myself that I allowed him to be dominant, to make decisions and advise me. I allowed myself to go along with things that were not right for me. I even allowed occasional verbal abuse.
I tried so hard to make him happy and to be who he wanted me to be. I failed because you can’t make someone else happy and you can only change yourself if you want to change. In some ways I was miserable, only finding happiness when he accepted me or gave me some affection.
Really, we were two separate souls and never found that other identity that is formed in a relationship; the us. Some call it becoming one.
And him on his own is not enough for me. I need to be part of something more. I need shared goals, hopes and dreams. I need us supporting and helping each other to accomplish individual dreams.
And I need to start a family. Mostly, I’ve been waiting for the “us” to form so that we would have children. I want my future children brought up in a loving, commited, stable, functional relationship.
A week ago that dream was dashed.
I’ve made my decision.
I’ve decided to end it, to walk away.
I’m not sure how to do that. I’m t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d of many of the practical things I’ll need to do on my own. But I just can’t follow him around anymore and play by his rules. I’d rather face my fears and fulfill my potential. Even if it’s a struggle and I have to live off two minute noodles.
I haven’t told him yet. He’s away again and we’ll need to talk. Therefore I’m not posting this just yet. He needs to be told first.
[This post was made public 2 months later]