What I heard

What was actually said was brief and blunt and may or not have been what was intended.

Something like, ‘What are you going to do when the house is rented over Summer?‘, followed by a small amount of discussion (argument).

What I heard with all its imagined sub-content and fantasising was more like:

I’m renting out the house over Summer and that’s final, you have no say so you can fuck off and decide what you’re doing. I obviously don’t want to spend time with you and can’t wait to get away from you. And I don’t care about you or what you do with yourself in this time. Or with your life, for that matter. Or that it will take a week to get the house ready and another week to put it back together. We each do our own thing and if the other doesn’t like it, tough. You have no rights because you don’t own the house or pay rent. I don’t care what your goals are or how you’re going to make ends meet during this time. I don’t care if I’ve just talked about selling the house and you are intending to work more. I don’t care if you have to pay premium rent or lose your new job or waste time going away for six weeks. You deal with all that. I’m the boss and you need to remember that. Remember that it’s my house and I can and may decide to sell it or move out or evict you at any stage. You are on your own and can’t rely on me for stability. We don’t discuss things together. Even if you were pregnant or we had a child, I would want to get away from you. You can’t depend on me to help or be a team together. I make the decisions. You do what I say or get lost. Obviously I don’t want to be a dad. At least not with you. The kid could fuck off for six weeks too – I’m outta here. You’re different to me and I don’t know why we’re together. Not only that, there’s a whole lot of things wrong with you and that you suck at. You’re selfish for not wanting to share the property with others. And it’s your own fault for attracting someone who’s a mirror of your parents and recreating all those childhood issues. You worthless useless crying piece of shit.

Wow, all that negative self-talk. No wonder I feel hopeless and lost. I’ve  totally painted myself as the victim in that scene.

In a way, it does feel better to write it out and realise that I could probably change the story. I think I will write it out in a different voice. Perhaps even start planning something fabulous for the Summer.

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Of the female variety and hungry for knowledge, truth and love.

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Posted in Inner World, My Partner

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