I’m going through a period of fairly intensive (at least for me) therapy and self-growth. Something that’s been on my mind is my shameful thoughts. I’ve got this pattern going where they’re everywhere and lead me in downward spirals towards a dark abyss. Kind of like Fat Bastard’s breakdown in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, “I can’t stop eating. I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat. It’s a vicious cycle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s someone I’d like to get in touch with and forgive… myself.”
I say kinda because with me it’s not only about food, although food is part of it. I can feel guilt and shame over pretty much any decision if I’m in that kind of mood. I think that’s why my natural instinct is to hide myself away. And then I feel so small I feel the need to start blogs and other behaviour in order to get noticed (and exist) in some way.
It has been a way of life for as long as I can remember. Destructive thought patterns, hiding, keeping my thoughts to myself, keeping myself to myself. So much guilt. So much shame.
I notice I’m still censoring, not feeling comfortable enough to blog my shame. I haven’t even told anyone about this blog and I’m still afraid. Still ashamed.
Perhaps later I’ll unmask a little.
But the point of all this therapy and inner work is be OK in being me. To like myself, to give myself a break and not feel ashamed, not feel guilty, not feel embarrassed. Realising how I’m wrapped up in shame is part of that healing. Realising that they’re only thoughts and I can change them.
This is a bit rambley, might edit later.