Right now I wish it said, I am super-awesome.

Life is sweeeeeeeeet.

The only bummer is that I’ve not had much time to write. I’m pretty sure I can change that, though and I’m jotting on paper when I’m away from the computer.

I’ve been in the massage job for a few months and I’m enjoying a lot of things about it, if also feeling that it’s not quite enough or right for me. But hey, I still manage to rock at it. My clients are liking me and my work and most days I’m booked out. Often I’m on my feet all day and flat-out with admin stuff in-between treatments. Days go swiftly.

Because of my job success, my income has increased. I’m earning enough to come off government assistance and I’m just doing my final paperwork to end it permanently.

My mainstay work at a day spa has been dwindling. I’ve been cutting back and back and yesterday I resigned. Tomorrow will be the last day that I work there. It’s been a crutch, it’s been like family but staff are not well-treated/respected there and I don’t have the time or inclination to be on-call with no guarantee of work any more.

But wait, there’s more…

Last Thursday I was offered a couple of days of outdoor bush regeneration work. A week before that I went for the job interview. It’s a big reputable organisation that I’ve been in contact with for months and have had the yes, no, maybe run-around but finally they had positions, met me and voila, I got the job!

Yes, I am totally, totally awesome

So many changes and leaps and bounds.

I am looking for a house to rent with Mr Connection. We are still in love, like and respect, ready to nest together and need to be closer to his current job and to my soon-to-start job.

I still get a bit anxious about changes and uncertainty and dealing with everything but I’m OK with that tendency. It passes and I always manage (and often excel).

My goals are happening, my dreams are coming true.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,500 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 42 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

In between I was chasing up leads to outdoor work, to bush regenish type stuff. I got very close to one position but after four weeks of emails and calls and pestering them, it didn’t happen. So I resigned myself to the fact I would have to start the massage job.

My income has shot right up. People are liking my massage. Clients are rebooking with me. And hello? The income! It looks like I’m earning enough to stop all financial assistance from Centrelink.

And that is my first aim; to be off welfare and supporting myself. It’s great that I have been able to get some financial support on my slow weeks but most of the time I don’t get much and am in the highest job seeking bracket and it takes up HUGE amounts of time and doesn’t really help me find work. I do what is required and am grateful…

So, when I think of the money and that I’ll have much more control of my time and commitments, I feel positive. I’m better able to repay loans from family, more able to move out with my boyfriend… and I don’t have to be in these jobs forever…

Perhaps I’m being a responsible adult.

Perhaps I’m tired of giving.

Perhaps this is my final flourish of massage.

Perhaps my sunkenness is confirmation that I’m ready to change careers.

Perhaps I’ll just get ready for work and allow my story to unfold as the days, weeks and months go by.

P.S. I am finally a fully licensed driver! Passed the last test three days ago

Before I 'whipped'

If you look at the photo above, my bedroom window is between the ladder and the downpipe… I’ve been a bit desperate for something more inspiring to look at and have plans to make a fairy garden. The steep sloped backyard faces North and my room is at the bottom there… Cold, damp house! (Yep, I live on a South-facing slope in the Southern Hemisphere 1000m above sea level)

After I 'snipped'

Haven’t trimmed the rose yet but did some tidying, repotting and planted some seeds…

One day this will be a fairy garden...

At least I can now see possibilities!

Whipper snipping success!

Of course, once I let the dogs out, the dominant one inspected my work and did a poo right in the middle of where my fairy garden will be. That’ll teach me to interfere with her garden – yeah, right!

Now I can start to plan my fairy garden!!

P.S. That dead-looking tree is a Large-leaf Privet that I poisoned a month ago. It’s dying and I’ll remove and replace it soon

Thing is, there’s nothing exciting to report. No grand ‘wow, I really fucked-up’ moment. Just little sprinklings of not really doing anything, not really getting anywhere and not even making any real decisions.

Are you with me?

Life is passing me by.

Okay, that’s dramatic and not true. I’m living. I’m just not l-i-v-i-n-g. I feel stuck.

My efforts at changing careers are not proving fruitful… probably because I’m a bit scared and haven’t really tried. I’ve found a day or so of extra work in my current career and haven’t really pushed that to start because I’m dithering and don’t want new beginnings in my old-current career. A friend has offered me casual work in her garden and I don’t feel qualified or how to do what’s required and am delaying. I’m not promoting my own business, I’m not doing more for my current main job.

Are you getting this? I’m afraid of work in all its forms.

Sigh.

My health complaints are not really getting better or worse.

My income is not getting better and perhaps even worse.

My dreams are stagnant.

Oh woe is me.

Why do I find it so hard to make decisions and/or do what is required? And when I get an inkling of what I might like to try*, why is it so hard to get an opportunity?

Perhaps I will focus on the things I do want:-

- to enjoy working 4-5 days a week, some of which is outdoor work
- be earning enough to move out with Mr Connection (I have a figure in mind)
- to repay my loan to my parents (is happening very slowly but consistently ATM)
- to be saving some $ each week
- to be in excellent health, give and receive plenty of love, and have a balanced existence with right amounts of work, rest and play
- to feel like I’m moving forward in life (I think that basically means that I’m happy, growing, empowered and making choices)

Brief, but a start. I know that work is the most abstract, the least clear of my goals. My mind goes into a panic of not knowing if I’ll like certain jobs, be able to do them, survive interviews, applications, be able to talk myself into giving it a go, want to do them and an array of what ifs.

There’s no conclusion to this post. I’ve found a point to examine and you, lovely readers, get an insight into my mind. Please feel free to share your thoughts,

Spiral

*Yeah, that’s about as decisive as I get, folks…

I’ve had health problems on and off for the past two weeks. First, a flare-up of Ulcerative Colitis. Bloody painful, uncomfortable and embarrassing but, thankfully, the worst of it only lasted for three days before a shift to recovering. My period arrived a day after finally feeling myself again, bringing with it Endometriosis pain. Bloody painful, uncomfortable and embarrassing, and thankfully only lasted a day.

I feel good now

I think there were hormonal components but also it coincides with me going through past relationships in my mind. Discovering, reading and deleting emails, letters and trying to gain some sort of sense of things. I just seem to get more confused, though.

What I’m wanting to find doesn’t exist.

There is no simple crystal clear truth that I can examine and assess.

If I rub harder, will a Magic Genie pop out?

My current health problems started during that first long relationship and part of me thinks that if I can identify an event or thought pattern, then I can change and shift from dis-ease to ease. What does come up is that I feel confusion, guilt, fear, regret, hurt, anger, betrayal, downtrodden, powerless and blinded by so much. And I can see that there was a lot of love, compassion, kindness, friendship and even forms of respect.

Big confusion.

And now I have an inkling that what will help me feel better is forgiveness. To forgive him, others around us, but mostly to forgive myself. It seems like a hard thing to do: to admit that mistakes were made and be OK with that. And to let it go.

Letting go… *deep breath in, deep breath out*

My current relationship is now six months young and I’d love to just be free of past demons, patterns, thoughts etc. but it doesn’t seem to work like that. A comment or action sends a whiff of familiar discomfort through me. However, there aren’t many moments and they are in present time. As the months go by and we become more established, I’m hoping I (and Mr Connection too) have done enough inner work for us to have a healthy happy relationship. We really seem to and I’m always working on myself, growing and learning…

And hopefully that’s enough.

On the other hand, I’ve applied for a Traineeship on council and am overjoyed at the process, the daydreaming, the nightdreaming, the concept, the everything… whether I get the position on not, I’m absolutely getting closer to where my heart wants to be.

However, I do really want the job!

* * *

I’m spending more time with my boyfriend’s children and I feel pretty unprepared to ‘parent’/be the adult in charge. I don’t know how to break up arguments about one playing unfairly or getting grumpy or other childhood disputes. I don’t want to take sides but encourage them to work it out… or learn some other techniques and haven’t really developed any skills for doing so.

Although, I’m starting to ask the kids to help or ‘no, I don’t want you to have a [shopping centre] ride’ or ‘have you packed a hat?’ It’s weird but not quite so uncomfortable (I’ve been the practical one with boyfriends for years!)

Tips on being the newcomer to children and parenting?

* * *

I joined Free Cycle. Great organisation!

* * *

I want to move out with Mr Connection. Once I get more income or job stability, I think it will happen. He would need to move out from where he is now too. It will be lovely to create a little love nest and I’m making steps to make it happen.

I feel for his family and friends. I feel for others who have been through similar experiences or lost loved ones. I get more perspective for those close to me, yet still can’t fully comprehend their grief.

I think of depression, a familiar acquaintance. I now turn to thoughts of myself. I’m not bipolar, don’t generally have extremes, just low-grade mild depression… for years and years. I started noticing it when I was about ten. I’d feel unhappy, confused, powerless and not able to cope with the feelings. My teen years were pretty harsh –crying, confusion, feeling stuck, low in confidence, unable to make decisions and unmotivated. I now know that a lot of what I experience(d) is anxiety. When I deal with that, the bad feelings lessen or go away. Some things make me panic and no one was able to pick that up or talk with me about what was going on or delve into my feelings.

I’ve never been medicated or treated properly until I started doing inner work. Once I started to open up and share how I felt, I discovered that others felt similar things. I was normal and it was all OK.

Mind you, I went through a pretty rough time in my adult years, particularly in the last few. Love relationships can be a trap for me. Although there have always been positives and some healthy components, my serious relationships have been with men that were controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. Seven had serious issues and disrespect for women, MM became particularly nasty in the last year we were together and I did spiral down into a very painful place, the lowest I’ve been. When I started noticing strange thoughts, that I just could let myself be hit by a car- sort of thing, I sought out help. Counselling, psychology, library books, spiritual church, friends, family, meditation, blogging and allowing myself to be myself, they all helped boost me up to a better place where I could start to make my own decisions.

Unfortunately, gotta go again. My car had two blown light globes which is a relief and slightly embarrassing.

Um, didn’t get much sleep last night. Mr Connection stayed over and I may have been overstimulated having him in my bed. I enjoyed being able to hug him as he slept peacefully. Mostly I was thinking and dreaming about jobs. Jobs, career, money and home have been on my brain lately. Eventually I did get a little sleep and was dreaming about getting a traineeship. I’ve been awake again since 3am and am putting together my application for the position.

I have a job interview on Friday. I’m feeling a little nervous but not too much. I’m more concerned about the travel to the job and that it’s casual massage work. I don’t really want more casual massage work but the boss seems nice and I need something.

My health is pretty good. Been stepping up my exercise intensity and getting fitter. I’ll be off for a walk this morning after I take my car to the auto electrician because…

My headlights stopped working. The car is also losing water and I only had it worked on recently…. Rego is due at Christmas… my car is starting to cost me money! And I need to sit the test for my full licence – great but another cost.

Money – aaarrggghhh!  I’ve just paid my yearly massage insurances etc so the savings cupboard is bare plus I haven’t had that much work. I am being proactive, doing what I can to make some changes and gain employment. And winning the traineeship would be excellent…

I went out to the country last week for a few days. A distant inlaw ended his life and I went to the funeral to offer support. He was younger than me and has three young children and it was sad.

More later…

It has been such a surprise to be dating Mr Connection. I didn’t think I was ready for such a healthy relationship. Every time I feel cautious, we communicate and I dive in further. It’s not perfect, we’ve each got flaws but I feel we accept each other for the most part. We’re grown-ups *cough* and can make our own choices and decisions… and choose independence, tolerance, cooperation and love.

Recent developments mean that out individual visions of a future together are more in alignment. However, it’s still early days so there’s no hurry. We still will keep dating and see how it all goes and take it a step at a time. We can’t base our relationship on fantasies of the future. Things change. But I’m feeling much happier being in a relationship that has long-term potential. Right now I don’t mind what the outcome is, but it’s much easier for me emotionally to put energy into possibilities.

I’m still stuck on job-hunting though. I really need to get some cash flow happening so I’ll be stepping up my endeavours to score some work. I know I can do it…