I feel like I’m fucking-up.
Thing is, there’s nothing exciting to report. No grand ‘wow, I really fucked-up’ moment. Just little sprinklings of not really doing anything, not really getting anywhere and not even making any real decisions.
Are you with me?
Life is passing me by.
Okay, that’s dramatic and not true. I’m living. I’m just not l-i-v-i-n-g. I feel stuck.
My efforts at changing careers are not proving fruitful… probably because I’m a bit scared and haven’t really tried. I’ve found a day or so of extra work in my current career and haven’t really pushed that to start because I’m dithering and don’t want new beginnings in my old-current career. A friend has offered me casual work in her garden and I don’t feel qualified or how to do what’s required and am delaying. I’m not promoting my own business, I’m not doing more for my current main job.
Are you getting this? I’m afraid of work in all its forms.
Sigh.
My health complaints are not really getting better or worse.
My income is not getting better and perhaps even worse.
My dreams are stagnant.
Oh woe is me.
Why do I find it so hard to make decisions and/or do what is required? And when I get an inkling of what I might like to try*, why is it so hard to get an opportunity?
Perhaps I will focus on the things I do want:-
- to enjoy working 4-5 days a week, some of which is outdoor work
- be earning enough to move out with Mr Connection (I have a figure in mind)
- to repay my loan to my parents (is happening very slowly but consistently ATM)
- to be saving some $ each week
- to be in excellent health, give and receive plenty of love, and have a balanced existence with right amounts of work, rest and play
- to feel like I’m moving forward in life (I think that basically means that I’m happy, growing, empowered and making choices)
Brief, but a start. I know that work is the most abstract, the least clear of my goals. My mind goes into a panic of not knowing if I’ll like certain jobs, be able to do them, survive interviews, applications, be able to talk myself into giving it a go, want to do them and an array of what ifs.
There’s no conclusion to this post. I’ve found a point to examine and you, lovely readers, get an insight into my mind. Please feel free to share your thoughts,
Spiral 
*Yeah, that’s about as decisive as I get, folks…
Fucking up is more difficult than fucking down or sideways, but still fun – or boring, depending on internal/external factotems. I am in a place where I want change, but only without sacrifice. I think it can be done, but I’m not sure. You can see where this is going: absolutely nowhere.
At the same time, you can see the impossibility. Absolutely nothing is motionless. Everything moves. Everything is going… somewhere.
Maybe I could go there.
My posse has been telling me for months now, “Expand the emotion.” Well, I’m doing my best, but I have to admit it takes more courage than mine, sometimes.
I have discovered, after writing this entry, that my period is due. I’ve had more panic and tears. I get more in touch with my emotions but it can seem harder to cope. My boyfriend is a rock. My story becomes a bit pessimistic and narrow-minded and I forget all of the many great things I’m doing and the ways in which I’m flourishing, growing and changing. I have money concerns. Plus my ex is in town
Ebb and flow…
“An opportunity is never lost…someone else will always take it”
But great and wondrous leaps forward do not happen every week, month or even every year Spiral. Just because things don’t appear to be moving at the speed you would prefer does not mean that things have stopped moving forward. Don’t lose faith in your dreams and keep moving toward the things you want from life and you will get there.
Oh!, and I’ve made fuck ups..yours does not compare with a real fuck up..
Ha! I’ve made some real fuck-ups too!
But I’ve been brainstorming this with my housemate. We agreed that most of life is the “in-between” events. Births, celebrations, successes, failures, new jobs, etc. are momentous but not continuous and not sustainable. Guess I’m in-between now…
It sounds like you are waiting for the “wonderful life” fairy to make a delivery.
It doesn’t work that way. Sorry.
These are your decisions and your steps to take. If you don’t life will continue to be unfinished.
I’ve never understood why I can’t let that “wonderful life” fairy do her thing. There’s something I’m not quite getting around decision-making and action-taking. Following my intuition seems to work the best but when I don’t have clear signals, I get confused. I don’t think it’s any less valid to be confused, it’s just a different way of doing things.
I know you are familiar with crystal healing, don’t forget you can harness the amazonite and labradorite stones to help you in this time of trying to decipher your dreams, hopes, and ambitions. The labradorite is especially good for helping you evaluate your true desires, revealing your heart’s reality minus any little delusions or illusions. The stone will also help promote ideas about how to pursue your dreams, and give you the energy and enthusiasm to enact them.
I know that you can reach out and grab the life you want, it might not happen in one instant, it might be a series of seized opportunities that amount to fulfilment.
Thanks for those suggestions, Starry. I haven’t been meditating much or tuning into my inner self and I’m sure that’s why I’m less sure of myself. I’m a bit calmer now that my hormones are settling down again, too. There’s a powerful new moon coming up that’s perfect for making wishes/goals/purposes and I’ll make sure I utilise it. Thanks for stopping by!
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