I found myself, while sweeping the floor this evening, thinking that my partner doesn’t give me enough slack. First angered, I then noticed my thought patterns, the way I constantly let myself off for poor time management, lack of chores done, lack of many things done. Then I realised that in some ways it’s a compliment his thinking that I’m actually a competent, capable, functional person. My ready excuses mirror the way I generally feel about myself – that I’m NOT a competent, capable, functional, WHOLE person, that I am not only not good enough but that I am not good and that I don’t have faith in myself and my abilities.
I’m still questioning that moment. I feel that it’s a real insight and privilege to catch myself in that moment. I hope that it’s a sign of my growing awareness and a precurser to changing my thoughts and behaviours.
We all struggle with unworthiness sometimes. It’s part and parcel of this grand carousel we ride, merry, go ’round again, again. It is a fine joke, defined by sweet and sour fictions. A little vegetarian duck sauce with that?